Steve-O says he was fed alcohol as an infant and details his use of marijuana, LSD, amphetamines and nitrous oxide in his most recent MySpace blog. The actor was involuntarily committed to L.A's Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after suicidal behavior last week.
"It is not my intention to glorify my history as a drug abuser with elaborate stories about having sex in lavatories on airplanes after snorting amphetamines off the toilet at the tender age of seventeen," Steve writes."Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a gross understatement
Here is the blog entry from Steve-O's MySpace page:
You Should All Know I Am In Rehab
A) HOW I GOT INTO ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
1) Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a grossunderstatement. I’d love to say that I first took toalcohol out of affection for my mother (there wasnever any shortage of that for me) but I think thetruth is that I was always powerless over it. I know Iwas always powerless over alcoholism, because it hadsuch a grip on Mom’s adulthood and my childhood, and Inever chose to fight it. Until now. Dad was acorporate executive whose job required the family totravel the world fairly extensively and both Mom andDad were quite self conscious of how they wereperceived by others. We were frequently on airplanesand, before Mom and Dad would find themselves in theembarrassing position of being caught by otherpassengers with a crying baby, I was fed alcohol.Obviously I don’t have recollections from the timewhen I was a baby, so this account is pieced togetherfrom vague memories of being told stories that aresimilar or exactly the same. Mom’s alcoholism trulyreared its ugly head when I was eight and nine yearsold, it was in 1983 that she lied to the family abouthaving lymph node cancer so that she would have anexplanation for staying in bed drunk at all hours. Iforgave my Mom very easily for her act of dishonesty,my love for her was unconditional. At this point in mylife I find myself hoping that I will be able toforgive myself for similarly selfish acts that my ownaddiction led me to commit. I can’t believe I justcalled out my own dead Mom for what’s surely the worstlie she ever told. I also can’t believe I ever pickedup my first drink on my own after the way alcoholruined her life. God, I miss my Mom. I think I waseight years old when I was introduced to the familytradition of children partaking in an alcoholicbeverage of their choice, just one, only on New Year’sEve, each year. I think it was right away that I knewI wasn’t interested in beer, rather that I wantedscotch whiskey. I can’t really remember, after all,what alcoholic remembers the first drink they pickedup. The first time I vomited from truly drinking "toomuch" alcohol, I was twelve years old, that I’m quitesure of. I’m also quite sure that everything Iremember taking interest in from childhood, andonwards, I poured myself into with an unhealthy"excessive/compulsive’ attitude about it. Baseball.Heavy metal music. Skateboarding. Drinking. Drugs. Ohyeah, and the video camera...
2) I didn’t first try marijuana (it was actually hashthe first time) because I randomly bumped into it. Itried it because I had made a decision to find it. Itried it again the day after that, as I recall, and, Ibelieve the next day as well. Overnight, when I hadjust turned sixteen years old, I became a"stoner/druggie." Shortly thereafter, I was taking LSDon a regular basis. It was my prerogative to try justabout any drug I could get my hands on. It is not myintention to glorify my history as a drug abuser withelaborate stories about having sex in lavatories onairplanes after snorting amphetamines off the toiletat the tender age of seventeen. I will simply say thatwhen I was interviewed about it all upon checking intothis rehab facility, it became frighteningly clear tome how lucky I am to still have any chance whatsoeverat leading a happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life. Iam so lucky, there is no doubt in my mind that I havea Higher Power that is incredibly interested in mesucceeding.
B) ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL MY ALCOHOL/DRUG USE
1) The first time I made an effort to stop drinking,because I was an alcoholic, I was eighteen years old.I recall looking up Alcoholics Anonymous, but notmaking it to any meetings, and after, perhaps (I can’tremember exactly), nineteen days of not drinking, backto back, doing the same number of vodka shots back toback. Mom forced me into a rehab facility when I wastwenty years old (she was sober at the time, I was injail, and going to rehab was my only chance to seesunlight before court). Sobriety lasted for two and ahalf months after the sun’s rays met my face, and itended as brutally as it had when I was eighteen.
2) Although I mentioned amphetamines, and can’t saythat I’ve not accepted them on numerous occasions(especially in pill form), I’ve never purchased them(correction-bought the pills once) or sought them outwhen I wasn’t aware of their immediate presence. I’venever smoked crack before (despise the fictitious rapsong I wrote about smoking crack), but, powder cocaineis an entirely different story. I have been aware ofsignificant problems that snorting powder cocaine hascaused in my life for many years now, and, on numerousoccasions, made efforts to give up the habit, withvaried success. The longest I was able to abstain wasone year and six days, the second longest was roughlysix months, and, you get the idea.
C) ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
1) The abusive behavior that I feel will haunt me forthe rest of my life can be summed up by the words"verbal and emotional attacks on my loved ones." As I’ve expressed before for this behavior, and only this behavior, I fear punishment by my Higher Power.
2) I have done a great deal to damage my mind andbody. Like I said, I am beyond fortunate to have thischance at salvaging a happy, fulfilling, andmeaningful life. My luck will not last with continueduse of alcohol and drugs that are not prescribed to meby doctors that are aware of my addictions.
D) SPIRITUAL ISSUES
1) I believe that I was chosen by my HigherPower/Guardian Angels, and led to the spiritual pathwhich I am currently on. I try not to ask of God,rather, to work for what it is I want, and communicatewith God only in "Thank You’s." For my Higher Power Iam more grateful than I could possibly express.
2) I used to consider myself agnostic, as recently asSeptember of 2006. I now consider myself, well,"spiritual," actually, let me say, "Thankful..."
E) EFFECTS ON FAMILY, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, FRIENDS
1) I’ve already covered the communication problems with family members and expressed that I fear punishment for such problems.
2) I’ve communicated to you all before that I , fairly recently got on both knees and proposed marriage to a girlfriend, in front of her Grandma. I also communicated that she later expressed that she completely changed her mind about getting married. Now I am in recovery and do not have a significant other. My friends are still my friends, but also understandthat my health requires that I not be around drugs and alcohol.
F) EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS
1) I do not have poor self esteem or anxiety issues.
2) While I do have guilt issues related to pastbehavior, I am too excited about my future behaviorand the prospect of becoming a healthy parent to letthem remain an obstacle.
G) WORK PROBLEMS
1) I’ve never had problems making it to work or getting paid--the nature of my work almost embraced my addictions.
2) There were jobs that I showed up to in absolutelyhorrible shape, and some of them ended prematurely dueto that fact.
H) FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
1) I have no financial problems.
2) I have no second financial example.
I) CONSEQUENCES OF BEHAVIOR
1) While under the influence of drugs and alcohol, my behavior is so impossible to predict, it is unbelievable. I don’t know where to begin, anyone who has known me for so much as a couple of months, shit,even the police offices who arrested me this month can tell you that I’ve got to be the craziest mutherfukker they’ve ever laid eyes on.
2) Really, I’m not trying to "toot my own horn," it’stime for me to "hang up my hat," to "throw in thetowel," it’s time for me to "call it quits."
J) PREOCCUPATION WITH CHEMICALS
1) I haven’t mentioned nitrous oxide, the drug I "fiend" for, by far, the most. I used to inhale thisgas by the cartridge, specifically, by the case (a case containing 600 cartridges). I would call a taxito come bring me, to pick up a case, and be searching under my mattress for cartridges while awaiting itsarrival. When it did arrive, I would bring mycartridge dispenser in the taxi and be dispensing the gas into my lungs for the entire ride home from the pick-up. When I say that I feel I was chosen by Guardian Angels, I say that quite literally. I had anumber of not-at-all-subtle experiences that indicatedto me that I had to give up the nitrous oxide, anddid, six months ago.
2) Another drug that I haven’t mentioned is ketamine.It is also a drug that I had not-at-all-subtleexperiences on. Enough said.
A GOODBYE LETTER TO MY DRUGS OF CHOICE
At this point,All you fucking things are good for is dying. I’m not ready to die. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to breathe(properly, even). I’m ready to fall in love. I’m ready to become ready to start a family. I’m ready to be happy, fulfilled and meaningful. Maybe I’ll see youfukkers if and/or when I’m ready to die.
Steve-O
